Biblically Based Reconciliation
A brief intro for practical conflict resolution:
All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the work to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. 1 Peter 4:8-9
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24
Throughout your time with believers, there will inevitably be times that one or more people will come into some kind of conflict. As a mentor, it is important to have a practiced method of reconciliation to use as counsel and when needed, to implement yourself in the relationship. A common conflict is hurt feelings from word said or unsaid.
Prayer
No matter if it is a matter of your own reconciliation or your mentee, seek prayer first. A lot of hurt feelings can be reexamined through thoughtful prayer. Ask these simple things:
God is my hurt justified or is it a cause of my own sin (pride, arrogance, insecurity)?
Looking for your own sin in every situation is the best place to start. Matthew 7:3-5 “3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.”
Lord help me see the other party as you do. Am I being compassionate toward them?
The whole message of reconciliation is based on the love of God and the death of Christ. Paul reminds us "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" ( Rom 5:8 ). Out of LOVE comes reconciliation.
Can you grant me the forgiveness required to have reconciliation?
Our motivation to forgive is based on the fact that God forgave us of our sins and removed them from our account when we confessed our sins to Him. Theologically speaking, the penalty for our sins was not dismissed, but transferred to Jesus Christ when He died upon the cross. Forgiveness is NOT saying that the sin committed is acceptable. It is passing the mercy first given to you unto another.
Communication
It is so very important to let the other party know what is going on. After spending some time (the length can vary greatly depending on the situation) in thoughtful prayer, there are two different forms of communication that most likely need to occur:
Option 1: asking the other party for a conversation. This request has the possibility of compounding the hurt if it is denied or received with unwelcome response. If that is the case, mediation may be required.
Ask a close friend who also loves Jesus to practice this ask. It may even be best to write things down and ask them to read it first. Asking for this kind of conversation will invoke a response, either defense or compassion or something else entirely. Emails and texts can give the space needed to hear the request.
Option 2: telling the other person that you are not ready to have a conversation of reconciliation yet but that you are in prayer about the situation. People cannot know that you have been hurt if you do not tell them. Whether you are ready for reconciliation or not, the other person knowing is beneficial for everyone. One, they are aware of your hurt and can pray for it as well. Two, they have time to pray for you or seek wisdom for themselves. Finally, honesty and vulnerability have been set as the context for upcoming reconciliation.
This conversation must be handled with care. You cannot accuse someone of something and then just walk away. Pretending you are okay when you are not will most likely lead to a deeper conflict as well though. Letting someone you know that you have a hurt you are working through can allow the other party to behave correctly with you while you are in prayerful work.
Mediation
Hopefully both parties have agreed to chat and each is able to voice their hurt and receive forgiveness. If it’s too big to tackle alone, or involves someone who is hostile to the first ask of a conversation, you may need to ask for a mediator. Mediators are there to help by providing objectivity and accountability. By no means is asking for a mediator evidence that either party has failed or that the hurt is too big to overcome. It is laid out for us in the book of Matthew:
Chapter 18: 15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
This also directs us to choose our mediators with care. You as a mentor may be asked to be a mediator. Seek counsel and prayer if you are unsure whether it is appropriate for you. If your mentee has you be their mediator, it may be seen as “ganging up” on the other party if you do not have a relationship with them as well. Sometimes, a third party can be the key to objectivity. Ask your home church for help here. You may have an elder board, pastors on staff, ministry leaders or council leaders to help facilitate reconciliation.
A common conflict is family.. If the two people do not attend the same church, a friend to both is a good choice for a mediator. Another family member is just as likely to be seen as biased as you the mentor.
Heartset
Having a good mindset is important when having a difficult conversation but your “heartset” is even more critical. Forgiveness ideally comes before the conversation, not because of it. If a person wants reconciliation for reasons other than harmony and moving forward, they may not be ready. Forgiveness should not be conditional. That may look like holding forgiveness unless certain words are spoken or a certain attitude is displayed. Even if you have been sinned against, reconciliation is truly accomplished when both parties who were previously fragmented to one another is restored to harmony and peace. That doesn’t mean they like each other, that doesn’t mean anyone drops healthy boundaries, and it doesn’t mean putting oneself back into an unsafe place.
Our biblical view of reconciliation comes from Jesus Christ modeling restoration on the cross. The definition of reconciliation is to “restore relations between; cause to coexist in harmony; to settle a disagreement; make one account consistent with another”. We were fragmented from the Father in the garden through sin. Our “account” with God was made consistent by the death of the Son. We are no longer enemies with God, but children of Him because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us (Romans 5:5).
This is an incredibly complicated and nuanced topic. I hope to give only brief intros to encourage you to move forward. Your faith community is where this needs to play out and where help needs to come from. It is important to have those who know you and and love be a part of the process.
